What Was Lost

2/11/2020

The Everything I Have Lost by Sylvia Zéleny

“Diaries are for when life isn’t fun.
They are for figuring out what went wrong.”

Thirteen-year-old Julia keeps a deeply personal journal describing her life near the Mexico -United States border. Over the course of approximately two years she discloses her fears, her uncertainty, and the longings of her heart. Detailed lists and commentary reveal her life, her everything.
Living in Juárez with father, mother, and younger brother Willy, Julia’s life experiences a seismic shift when her father begins working for the mafia. She assumes that he is a courier. Suddenly the family has a new car, a new house, and many luxury items. But wealth has a downside.
Mamá is no longer her confidant. Her mother's primary objective is to protect and care for her husband. In an attempt to shield her children from the mob's influence and possible retribution, she sends Julia and Willy to live with family in El Paso: Aunt Tia, Cousin Jose, and their dementia- afflicted great grandmother.

This young girl faces an uncertain and frightening existence. She must adjust to a new city, new home, new school, new language. She is angry with her father who mysteriously vanishes for long periods of time. She resents her mother for what she perceives as abandonment of her children. She feels that she must accept responsibility for Willy and be the mother he no longer has. This is a heavy burden for a young girl to carry.

When her life in Juárez is forever gone, she makes a startling discovery.
Her father is more than a courier. He is a hit man.
Julia is devastated. Her pain bleeds across her diary pages.

She enters an American high school with a few glimmers of hope. She makes a friend and shares with him her shameful secrets. Her great grandmother becomes a source of constancy and comfort. After her husband dies, Mamá reunites with Julia and Willy in the United States and takes tentative steps to reconnecting with family.

The Everything I Have Lost is a story that is bleak and often terrifying. It paints a picture of survival and finding hope when things seem hopeless. Zéleny's prose is poignant and piercing in its honesty and humanity. A story that readers will not soon forget.